Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
