My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I still have a little drunk in my system
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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