Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize