If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
