I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
