My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
