Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
