paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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