Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
