Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
