How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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