I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
