JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
