it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
