I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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