At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
