I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My vagina is very pro this idea
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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