i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
