How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
