she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
literally had 100 drinks last night.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She told me I should be a condom model.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i think i just lost a toe
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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