my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
