good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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