I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
