you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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