We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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