the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
