Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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