apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
