Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
