we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
