I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
