I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
