I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
