I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
