Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
