Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
