2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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