I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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