The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
