i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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