You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
someone owes me an orgasm
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
