don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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