I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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