It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
