Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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