She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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