I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
not ubering you a puppy
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
