Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
