god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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