so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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