it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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