matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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