I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dignity is for republicans.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize