I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
