I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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