Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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