life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
